*Note March 27, 2020: Although I started writing this “chapter” about 5-7 years ago, I finally published it here about a year ago, and I’ve made a few minor edits before resharing. This topic was brought to the forefront of my attention once I arrived back in Vancouver on March 25th, had to go straight to my apartment to quarantine without stopping anywhere from the airport, and all was reaffirmed suddenly in my exhausted and anxious stupor that I couldn’t do this alone – we couldn’t do any of this alone. I am extremely grateful for my family and community that supports me, and the abundance all around me. So although this was written long ago (oh, how simple was life then…), I believe it is relevant and may resonate for many, especially now…

Help is available all around us and it only makes things easier if we learn how to ask for it well. It increases connection with other people, allows you to learn and grow, and provides the same for others in return. As a result, we will improve together through collaboration, from each other’s shared experiences. 

I always try to provide value when someone asks me for help, doing anything from giving directions in a new city to spending time pointing people in the right direction when it comes to growing their business or getting out in the world for the first-time in a “real job,” or trying to work remotely while traveling the world. I’ve been in other people’s position before and know how valuable it’s been for me when others have shared their knowledge and experiences, and want to make sure I can spread the love as you never know when it’ll have a great impact on another person as it has for me.

My challenges in asking for help

When I was younger (really, at any point before I turned 30), I had a really difficult time asking others if I needed help. Half the time, I didn’t even realize I needed it, or at least didn’t want to admit to it. A lot of this could’ve been pride, being afraid that it was showing weakness (although it takes courage to ask), or perhaps even the thought that I shouldn’t have to ask for help and “should” be able to figure out anything and everything if a problem or roadblock came my way. However, all this has done is slow down problem-solving abilities, especially when someone else has likely already been there and done that, and could thus provide great tips or even a solution to whatever challenge is at hand. At a minimum, sharing a need could lead to brainstorming together and starting the thought process flowing and idea creation.

I’ve found that learning from others leads everyone to grow and progress.  Plus I get great enjoyment in passing along a helping hand to others that come along and also need it. As a community, I feel this will only make us better as a whole. And when I’ve received advice that ended up helping me out, I love to make sure I let that person know – I assume they will likely be very happy to hear about my gratitude and perhaps more willing to continue to share with both myself and others in future.

On the reverse side of that, I always naturally wanted to help as a child. Either to calm down a situation at home if things felt especially intense or fraught (by trying to not make everything worse and keeping things quiet), and also because I was a typical people pleaser. Why wouldn’t I want to be there for someone else?

Why I overcame these challenges

This wasn’t an easy transition for me – I didn’t start suddenly asking people questions (I was always curious, but never the one to raise my hand or speak out in class – I was the extremely shy, quiet observer in the background).  Even when I was a little girl I would hide behind my mom’s legs in public and even cried through my first day of preschool and insisted to my mom that I had to quit (and never went back). Kindergarten wasn’t exactly a picnic either – all I wanted was the comfort of my home and family and the people I knew best, until I met my first friend on the playground when I was 6 years old (my brother was likely relieved after that, as I wouldn’t be seeking him out during every recess break or lunch hour). All through school, I would silently watch and listen to what was happening around me unless I was directly called upon, and aim to soak up whatever I wanted to learn without having to be too obtrusive or ask too many (or any) questions.

This works to a point. But once you figure out what it is that you want (as that is often one of the hardest parts of the process), you really need to learn how to ask for it or it’ll make it pretty difficult to get anywhere very fast. This I heard for the first time (in an “a ha” moment) most clearly from Chris Brogan – the hardest thing to do is to figure out what you want, but then when you know what you want, you just need to learn how to ask for it. I remember I emailed him one day to let him know that I appreciated learning this from him as it came at a very important time of change in my life.

For me, I started reaching out for help based entirely on urgent need (in my mind – it was too painful to not ask) and the realization that I could have things that I wanted to evolve more quickly and easily if I wasn’t my own worst enemy. Otherwise, no one would ever know what I wanted, or care to help me sort it out. The squeaky wheel really does get the grease, and as Linda Swindling says, don’t just ask – Ask Outrageously. 

The start of my business

After my big breakup at the time and life-changing situation just before I turned 30 (even though I already was going through a ton of change and uncertainty), I knew that I needed to continue to take action and figure out what was next. Here is one key memory where I had to do something that had always been difficult for me – approach others for advice and help. This wasn’t just a matter of asking for a place to live, but also trying to figure out how I could make an immediate income, get my life back on track and start to move forward again so that I could reach my goals for the next decade of my life.

So I sucked it up, decided to swallow my ego and do the opposite of what I tended to do when I wanted or needed something, and reached out to friends who I thought may be willing and able to lend a hand. It was always difficult to ask someone to share their time, as I know it’s so precious and I didn’t want to put anyone out (that’s me, hiding in the corner again).

One of the first people I turned to (after finding a temporary place to stay for a week with a willing girlfriend, followed by a short stint at my brother’s place before I went on a search for something a bit longer term), was Chris Breikss. He and his business partner had founded a successful digital marketing agency about 10 years prior, and I knew he was the type of person who would give me a few tips and at least point me in the right starting direction. And boy did he ever.

I sent Chris an email, telling him that I wanted (and needed) to start a small business providing SEO services, as I figured that it would be possible immediately and would hopefully relieve my imminent financial woes. That seemed to be the best choice, as this was something that I had already been helping a couple of small businesses with on the side while traveling, and didn’t see why I couldn’t do that for others as it was enjoyable and fun to see progress and growth for clients as well. I had learned a lot over the previous 1.5 years, doing this for myself, asking questions to those around me, and trying and trying again, when something didn’t work. Google was definitely my friend, and I was already soaking up as much information as possible as there is only so much sitting on a beach you can do before you get restless and want to achieve something (at least for me). 

He responded to my email right away and told me to come and meet him at his office at 2 pm the very next day.  He spent an hour with me and talked me through everything I should do, what I should charge, what my first priorities and ideal structure should be, and how he got started – the mistakes he made, and the best options at a high level based on what he’d been through. I asked him a lot of questions, and thanked him so much for all of his valuable thoughts and experiences that inspired me to get going right away.

I’m not sure if he realized it at the time, but I was so grateful for everything he had shared with me, and so touched that he would spend the time helping me out in what to me, was such a big way (especially on such short notice).

In New York City, as his office expanded, I visited him and his wife and told him about this story 3 years later over drinks, and he told me he was surprised at how much he had an impact on me.

Share and appreciate, they will love to know.

Crowdsourcing trips on social

At one point several years ago, I also started crowdsourcing my trips online, mainly via Facebook – this was probably back in 2012 or early 2013. For example, I did this and ended up suddenly in Siem Reap after a couple of weeks in Laos. I then ended up spending a ton of time there in 2013, meeting a whole new group of friends, and getting to know Cambodia fairly well, spending more time there than any other country that year.

I didn’t quite have enough time to really explore Vietnam but thought it may still be worthwhile to go somewhere else within the two weeks left after Laos before I needed to be in Taipei, Taiwan to meet good friends from Vancouver and attend a wedding. I was anxious to leave Laos because of the bad connectivity that made it difficult for work. So I asked on Facebook a couple of days before leaving Luang Prabang, Laos:

“Not sure what to do on January 31st – stay in Luang Prabang longer, check out Siem Riep, Cambodia for a bit, or head straight to Vietnam. Have until Feb 19th until I need to hit Taiwan. Thoughts, anyone?”

Within the same day, I had several responses, and a lot of detail that my friends had excitedly shared about each of their recommendations.

From there, I made my decision:

“Well, I listened to all of you and decided on Siem Reap last minute based on what everyone said. Where should I go next? I’d stay in Cambodia for a bit and try other places if worthwhile, or else head to Vietnam…or…I have until Feb 19th until I need to be in Taiwan. Open to your suggestions!” 

The overwhelming suggestion was to go to Siem Reap to see the amazing Angkor Wat, and then Vietnam came in second, so I decided to go there later on instead, a year afterward.

Helping with referrals, connections, and travel

I’ve always connected with people in new places via my network and done the same for others. Friends have introduced me to their friends and connections via email and social platforms (so thankful for social media while making my way around the world). And thus have started many longer term relationships, where I’ve connected with complete strangers who were willing to meet up with me and show me around a new place, and introduced me to many new things that I wouldn’t have experienced if I were to explore on my own.

I’ve managed to find amazing places to stay, fantastic spots to try unique food, great cafes and parks, and secret beaches and hikes or unique trips that never would’ve happened otherwise. And in return, I’ve done the same for many of the friends within my network, which has helped so many people out.

One thing that I enjoy doing for others as well is when people have questions about a specific travel destination and want to know more about where to go, what to see, and what to eat. I love sharing my understanding of a place if I’ve gotten to experience it deeply, like a local, with many of the nuances of the specific culture as well.  It excites me so much to be able to tell a story about a place, or direct someone to try out a little secret gem that only the locals generally know about. It revives my memories of the place, so it’s almost like I get to relive the experience, and it feels like I am back there again, wandering the streets and meeting various people or tasting a great dish in a restaurant or street stall. I’ve appreciated all the help I’ve had along my travels, and am more than happy to be able to help others in the same position and give back.

Over the last 7+ years, this has extended into so many other areas of my life – mainly in business and areas of wellness and lifestyle, and whenever there have been any dots to connect along the way.

It’s amazing to be a part of a community of like-minded people to seek out help, and provide help in return.

What this has meant for me

There is so much knowledge out there – people have similar experiences and are often going through a lot of the same things – and being able to share what challenges and solutions could already be possible makes it easier for all of us. Instead of competing against each other to get ahead, in a zero-sum game of you versus me, it makes sense to help each other out, connecting and sharing as we go, to improve all of our lives within the world. Life is hard enough as it is, so why not take up a person’s offer and be vulnerable enough and willing to ask – it will help ease life and allow it to be more enjoyable in the process. I love extending those connections as well – it feels extremely satisfying for me. My hope is for people to connect for the greater benefit of them and the world. It’s not a competition. We all win.

Now it’s your turn…

Where have you been struggling when it comes to asking for help? Do you feel guilty for asking? Or not feel like there’s actually anything you really need?

There’s no time like the present to sit back and ponder…

Photo credit: Alexei Scutari on Unsplash