What I yearn for most is freedom.
What that used to mean, was freedom to be more of myself without fear, and to allow myself to be truly me – seen for all the weird parts, issues, and humanness that make me who I am.
What irritates me now about others? And is thus what I have to understand more deeply as the shadow within myself?
When someone manages to be more carefree and not worry about things so much. Because I have often been so hard on myself and made myself work more, when in the end it hasn’t necessarily made a difference.
Those who can get started on something right away and take action to build a new business, launch a program, pivot or redefine themselves quickly or create something new. It takes me a long time to decide to move forward on something, as I tend to overanalyze and overthink, to the point where I’ve not done something that wouldn’t have been all that difficult, and likely would’ve brought me a lot of wealth and potentially joy at this point. Is this because I don’t have clarity on what I’m doing? What is it that’s prevented me from taking action – not thinking that I’ll do a good enough job? Thinking too much instead of acting first and figuring it out as I go (which I have proven to myself I can do over and over again), seems to be the culprit. Also, not wanting to fail, and not wanting others to see me fail, which is likely the harder part (there’s that ego).
Those who can handle being late. I’m a stickler for time as I cherish it more than anything else in my life, but boy would it be nice to not be so stressed about it at times. To not have it be such a part of who I am – super reliable and consistent and on time.
When someone else is cheap (both in time and in money), because I know that I’ve had difficulties with money in my past, and it was so ingrained for me for such a long time, having a sense of lack. And in terms of time, that they’ve had the ability to say no to something, instead of me, as a people pleaser, who has overshared my time and filled my plate up too much, not creating boundaries and leaving enough for myself.
When past love partners haven’t shown me love, and then I realized somewhat recently that I also don’t know how to show love in many ways (or receive love when it comes down to it). I’m great at this when it comes to female friends or male friends with whom I don’t have a desire for something more, even if it’s just the potential of getting to know them better in a romantic way. But as soon as I see something as possibly romantic in any way, I get awkward. I don’t know how to act, and I am completely different and blow off when someone is trying to gift me their love, in whatever manner is brought to light. I now have to really pay attention and notice what I’m doing differently than what I would be doing in the same circumstance with any other close friends of mine, in order to be aware and fully accept what is being offered.
The same goes with family – specifically my mom, and also my father when I think back to my teenage years and how harsh and unloving I was towards him in the last years of his life before I left for university.
The closeness, I’d shun away. And to do that, I’d get angry. Angry for someone showing me love, trying to give me something. Now this happens only with my mother when she is showing me love in her way, or with anyone male who starts to get closer to my heart. I don’t seem to know how to interact in a more loving way, without the anger and the harshness, and being short. I get easily frustrated and don’t know how to explain myself and express or communicate my emotions and feelings kindly, so I take that out at times by being short and gruff.
But I am learning. And learning so quickly as of late it seems. These last several months, specifically since November, I seem to be going through a whirlwind of lessons, attempts, failures, explorations, and growth.
And really, that’s all we can ever do.
Try, get back up, and try again – sometimes over and over, just to make sure that we really understand what we were supposed to experience to learn.
Progress is the key.
Photo Credit: Rob Dumont
About the Author
